This week has been insanely busy for me. I don’t know if it’s the holiday rush or every one is loosing their minds.
Today a patient came in and said, “I went to a bdsm party, and now I have diarrhea.”
“Wait,” I interrupted. “What is a bdsm party?”
He smiled, revealing a mouth full of metal, and said, “You know a bondage, discipline and sadomasochism party?”
No, I don’t know.
“Can I ask what goes on at one of those parties or is that too personal?”
“Oh no,” he said. “I get in a harness and then the others take turns using sex toys…”
“Okay, you know what?” I said. “I get the picture.”
Upon examination, I noted piercings in his ears, toe rings, and an array of tattoos all over his body. Now I have my own personal theory on people who get tattoos. They really say a lot about a person, particularly the type, color and location. His were a mixture of fire engine red, sunflower orange and wicked witch green.
Their were flames coming up from his pubic region, lightning bolts adoring his penis and wild ivy growing around his waist which ultimately fed into his anus vase.
Could you just imagine this fifty year old man wearing braces, piercings, and covered in tattoos resting in some harness. He must have looked like a Christmas center piece with his tinsel mouth, colorful ornamentals, lightning bolts and those mistle toes.
But as my Italian mother would say, “To each his own.”
I know this time of year is a festive one and there are parties galore but a bdsm party is one I can’t wrap my head around. I will, however, tell you the tips I shared with my patient:
1. Always use a condom correctly.
2. Always put a condom on sex toys and change them often.
3. Try to shower after sex and never floss or brush your teeth before and right after sex.
4. Likewise don’t share toothbrushes and razors.
5. And when in doubt, stay away from the guy wearing braces and covered in poison ivy.