Penis ennui

The penis industry is huge, pardon the expression.

When I was a surgical residency doing my urological rotation back in the late 90’s, the clinic was packed with men complaining of erectile dysfunction. This was before Pfizer came out with Viagra. I vividly recall my Attending urging me to invest any money I had in Pfizer stock.

“What extra money?” I replied. “I’m an intern.”

From that day on I realized how big a deal men’s penile function was, and it has become a lucrative market for pharmaceutical companies to tap into. Just think how far we’ve come sinceViagra. Now we have Levitra, Cialis (which lasts 36 hours), and there are even sublingual versions produced by the makers of Levitra so that you don’t have to carry around that annoying little pill.

The surge in the penis market was also evident in men’s quest to enlarge their penis –  a problem pharmaceuticals, surgeons and technology have failed to conquer. There are penis elongation procedures but none are widely recommended and often they are disfiguring.

I can’t help but think back to my youth when I first saw what Barbie’s boyfriend Ken looked like under his pants. My best friend Diane was playing Barbie’s with her younger sister, Karen. Undressing them I found Ken did not have a penis but a lump where his penis ought to be. Recently, it got me thinking: Isn’t the penis a waste? I mean, honestly, what function does it serve?

Yes, the penis is important to excrete urine.

The penis also acts as the vehicle to expel semen with great velocity into the female vagina in order to procreate. But when you set aside the physiological functions, what is the penis other than a sign of male virility?

Imagine if all men were like Ken.

We had a lump that looks like the cup I wore during Little League. Of course it would still have to have an opening so that we could urinate and also propel semen (I suppose the velocity would have to increase). It could still orgasm and stimulate females to orgasm. Think about it: female orgasm is primarily clitoral. Of course, you could argue that nothing is more erotic than a man’s penis, but if we all looked the same then we wouldn’t have to waste so much time worrying about why it doesn’t get hard enough or why isn’t mine as big as Johnnie’s?

I’m not saying this is the answer to all our penile problems, but when you think about it, isn’t the penis really just obnoxious? It’s like six-pack abs. I mean it looks good and all, but really how long can you keep it up?