The Broadway Curse

broadway

Up until five years ago I was not the big show queen that I am now. Thanks to my bff Eric, who dragged me to everything on the Great White Way, I have now become a proper fag. But wait. Something dark and menacing always seems to follow me whenever I see a Broadway show. I call it the Broadway curse. 

marissa1

My first inckling that something ominous was haunting me came when I attended the major hit Hairspray (waited nearly a year for good seats) and when I sat down, low and behold that dreaded piece of paper  came flying out of my playbill announcing that Marissa Joan Witecker, the star and Tony award winner, would not be performing that evening.

“What!” I cried. “She hurt her ankle. So what. What ever happened to the show must go on.”

Needless to say, I applauded when she got the boot from Dancing With the Stars.

Don't cry LaChanze you won the Tony

Don't cry LaChanze you won the Tony

Then Eric and I went to see a preview of the Color Purple, starring Oprah Winfrey… I mean LaChanze. But no. Ms. LaChanze was a no show. Then I heard she went on to miss 3 performances in one week after winning the Tony. Writer Michael Riedel said a hiker in the Himalayas has a better chance of seeing a snow tiger than Ms. LaChanze. Missing that many shows is referred to as Donna Murphy Syndrome, dubbed after Ms. Murphy missed one third of her performances in Wonderful Town.

Years later I rushed to attended the multiple Tony award winning, August: Osage County to see the mother of all mothers Deanna Dugan, but there it was again. That stupid freakin’ flyer stating that Estelle Parsons had just joined the cast and taken on the role of the self-absorbed, drug addict matriarch.

These actors have some nerve. They know we’ve paid over $100 for tickets. What ever happened to the likes of Elaine Stritch who  performed every night drunk off her ass. Or the amazing Carol Channing, who never ever missed a performance of Hello Dolly. I think it’s insulting and insane for these actors to call out sick especially when they have a starring role. Big deal you do 8 shows a week. Try doing 5 rectal exams a day.

Then today I open the paper and there it was: poor, tired Jeremy Piven has high levels of mercury and needed to drop out of Speed the Plow. Oh come on Jeremy. Mercury? I mean really. Have you been sucking gin and tonics through a thermometer?

Wake up Broadway actors. Shows are closing faster than Carrie, the musical.

mario

One day I would like them to feel my pain. Maybe they’ll make an appointment to see me and discover that the role of Dr. Spinelli will be played by, hmm let’s see, …Mario Cantone.

How’s that for casting?

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4 Comments

  1. Posted December 20, 2008 at 3:22 pm | Permalink

    You are WAY too cute to be played by Mario Cantone. Re-cast!!!

    I’m definitely concerned about your broadway curse, but in the case of Estelle Parsons…she was AMAZING! I don’t see how you could be disappointed there.

  2. spinellimd
    Posted December 20, 2008 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    Estelle was pretty AMAZING. However I’m still cursed when it comes to the orginal cast.

  3. mich
    Posted December 22, 2008 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    oh the many gods . . . stop your complaining. 5 rectal exams a day? that is what lair does in a single night at the bath house!

  4. Larry Flick
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    Mario Cantone??? NOOOOO! Neil Patrick Harris, darling.

    Oh even better… give Dermot Mulrooney a little salt-n-pepa hair vibe and he’d make a smashing Dr. Frank Spinelli on stage and screen. xox


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