Swine Flu


This is not a Kodak moment mom! You’re supposed to be WATCHING the children.

“Relax,” I say as I move toward you with a gloved finger. Oh, sorry. Wrong scenario. Yes, would everyone please relax. This week has been progressing, slowly but surely, with patients paranoid that they have contracted the swine flu. Oh, I’m not supposed to call it that because it stops people from eating their bacon. And God knows I wouldn’t want to come between man and his pork. But listen – this virus, H1N1 or R2D2, or whatever you want to call it, is contracted via aerosol, not the hairspray but the kind that flies around in the air or shaking hands with a contaminated person and then touching your nose. Yeah, I know it sounds scarey but wait. It’s not like everyone who comes in contact with the virus will get sick anyway. Just listen to Sanjay Gupta and wash your hands or even better yet, Dr. Oz, when he says, “Watch for signs and symptoms of the flu.” For those of you living in Chelsea, just recall the last time you went to the Black Party. Remember Suicide Tuesday? Well that’s what the flu feels like. For the rest of you, that means fever (measured with a thermometer) over a hundred degrees at least, chills, runny nose, cough, and body aches. The makers of Tamiflu must blowing kisses to the stars over this epidemic.

I’m pissed because we had to cancel our trip to Mexico next week.

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