Swines with flu

This swine flu epidemic, I mean H1N1 epidemic is for reals.

Last week a patient named Calvin came in complaining of sudden onset of fever, body aches and extreme fatigue. He looked terrible. On exam he was sweating profusely and could barely sit upright in the waiting room. During his visit, he told me that one of his students was diagnosed with the swine flu. So I swabbed his nose for Influenza A and B. Then I started him on Tamiflu empirically and sent him on his merry way.

Later that evening his partner, Jerome, called to tell me he had a sore throat and his penis was tingling. “Hmm,” I thought to myself. “Sore throat AND a tingling sensation in his penis. Hmm, my Spidey senses were telling me that Jerome and Calvin might have been up to some nasty business in the bedroom. So I asked Jerome and sure enough they had a sex marathon one week earlier where they swapped roles as insertive partners and then performed fellatio on each other without rinsing off first. Just as I had suspected.  Suddenly, I had second thoughts about the flu diagnosis I had made ealier on his partner, Calvin and now it seemed more likely that this was a case of a bacterial infection of the pharynx and urethra. But I had already gone home for the day, and the office was closed. So I asked Jerome for his pharmacy’s number.

“I don’t have it handy,” said Jerome. “We’re at a restaurant.”

“Restaurant!” I questioned. “You can’t be that sick if you’re out eating dinner?”

“No we are. We just needed a quick bite to eat. Let me get the pharmacy number and call you right back?”

Quick bite indeed.

Fifteen minutes later, they called back with the number, and I phoned in a prescription for both.

Early Saturday  morning, my service called. “Doctor we have a Jerome on the line. He said he needs to speak with you.”

“Put him through.”

“Doctor, sorry to bother you but Cal and I still don’t feel well.”

“Well it’s only been less than twenty-four hours. You really need to give it some time. Just get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. Take the antibiotics as directed and Tylenol for the fever.”

“But our throats are burning. It’s like swallowing glass.”

“It’s the infection,” I said. “And if you don’t believe me look in the mirror. You’ll see spots in the back of your throat.”

“Our apartment has bad lighting.”

“Don’t you have a flash light?’

“No.”

“Well maybe you should buy one some day,” I said sarcastically. “They’re cheap.”

“Okay. Oh, and one last question: Can we have sex?”

Pause.

“NO!” I screamed. “What are you crazy? You’re both sick. Get some rest and let your bodies recuperate.” I hang up.

Jeez whiz. Has everyone gone bananas?

Later that evening the phone rings. “Doctor it’s your service we have Calvin on the line.”

“Hi Calvin what’s up?”

“Oh my God doc, we bought a flash light like you said and our throats are totally gross. There are these huge white globs of pus and it smells.”

“You really went out and bought a flash light?”

“Well you said to.”

“Guys please just stay in. You’re going to infect all of Chelsea. It’s raining out. Watch a movie on cable, drink fluids and get some rest for Peter Parker’s sake.”

“Okay, okay we promise. Thank you,” said Calvin sheepishly. “Oh, but when do you think we will start feeling better?”

“It’s only been a day,” I said trying to calm myself down so that I wouldn’t reach into the phone and perform a tonsillectomy on him. “You’ll feel much better by Monday. Just stay in and rest.”

Late Sunday night the service called again. “Put them through.”

“Doctor it’s Jerome. You said we should feel better by Monday and it’s nearly Monday and we still feel like shit.”

Long pause.

“Listen you guys if you really don’t feel that well then I should instruct you to go to the emergency room. If not then come to my office tomorrow morning first thing.”

“Okay see you then.”

The next morning, Calvin and Jerome arrive looking much better than they had led me to believe. After I examined them, I reiterated that they should go home, rest and complete the course of antibiotics.

One hour after they leave, a fax arrives with the results of their nasal cultures. It was positive for Influenza A. Just so you know, physicians are unable to order the H1N1 viral culture assay. Currently, the Department of Health does the testing for the H1N1 virus. The protocol states that if a physician suspects his patient has the swine flu, they should culture the patient for Influenza A and B. If the culture is positive then they can call the Department of Health and undergo a questionnaire seeking approval for that sample to get tested for H1N1. Not as easy as you all might have thought. 

I called Calvin but it went to voice mail. Then I called Jerome. Same thing. Where are they?

Two hours later they called back. “Where were you guys?”

“We went to the movies.”

“What?” I screamed. “You have the flu. Do you know how many people you probably infected by sitting in the close confines of a movie theater?”

“But doctor we have been sick in bed for nearly a week. We had to get out of the house.”

“No, no, no, no, no,” I cried. “Do you both understand me? Am I speaking another language? Now go home and don’t go outside until I tell you to.”

“Okay, okay,” he said. “You don’t have to get nasty.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But it’s people like you that have everyone paranoid and wearing surgical masks. Tell Jerome I will call in a perscription for Tamiflu for him. He needs to start it right away. Do you understand?”

“Okay, we’ll go pick it up as soon as we finish shopping. Did you know Macy’s is having a huge sale?”

click.