Single in the City

“Why isn’t I can’t meet a nice guy?” asked Terrance, a HIV positive gay man living in Manhattan. He’s been positive and single for over five years. “It’s not the HIV thing. I meet tons of guys who are cool with it. It’s just I meet such freaks in New York.”

Dating in general is something everyone struggles with. This is proven by the increasing number of people who turn to on-line match makers and dating websites. If I see one more happy couple who found their true love on eHarmony, dancing on the beach or canoodling on some mythical park bench, I’ll slice my gums with a razor blade.

Dating is tough: gay, straight, bi, transgender or BDSM.

Poz dating, in particular, is fraught with its own intricacies. Do you disclose your status on the first date, knowing it could frighten someone off? Or do you wait until you get to know them better before you tell them your status?

Ask this question to any group of gay men, poz or not, and you will get a different answer every time.

That’s because each case is different. Every time someone’s faced with that point in the relationship when they’re supposed to have, “the talk,” you can never be sure how it will go.

My recommendation is you don’t have to disclose your status on the first date. Get to know them, but don’t tell them six months into the relationship. However, I do believe that once you begin having sex, you should disclose your status.

Don’t ask, don’t tell does not apply in this case.

You have an obligation to tell and for those of you who are negative, you have the same obligation to ask your sexual partner their status before you engage in any sexual activity. We are all individually responsible for our own health and that means asking the right questions and always using a condom.

But let’s get back to poor Terrance.

He met someone really special, Dan, he said his name was. They met on and were primed for their first date.

“Okay,” I said sarcastically. “Just be careful.”

“I know. I know. But he seems really nice and he invited me to his dad’s birthday tonight.”

“It’s a first date AND you’re meeting his family?” I asked in amazement. “I’m sorry. I can’t let you do this. This is a horrible idea. You barely even know this guy and already you’re meeting the parents. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Well, it’s too late now,” he said holding up two shopping bags from Balducci’s. “I already bought a fruit tart and some pastries.”

“What if he turns out to be a nut,” I offered. “His family could be a clan of cannibals.”

“That’ll mean more tart for me,” he laughed. “Seriously, I don’t mind. I like to take risks. The only problem is that he’s recently single.”

“NO, no, no,” I said. “This is getting worse by the minute. I won’t let you do this.”

“Too late,” he said whipping out the door. His shopping bags flaying behind him.

Two weeks later.

“How did that date go?” I asked while reviewing his labs.

“It was a disaster,” said Terrance. “The birthday party was fine, but I stupidly decided to introduce him to my parents the following weekend. For some reason, he asked to borrow my dad’s car, and he ended up getting into an accident.”


“No wait it gets better,” he said. “We got passed that. If you can believe it? Later that night we’re having sex for the first time, and while we’re doing it, he gets up and says, ‘I can’t do this.’ Then he gets dressed and leaves. I hate dating.”

All I could think of was that episode from Sex and the City, when Miranda calls Skipper while he’s having sex with his current girlfriend and then breaks up with her because Miranda wants him back and she says, “You mean you’re breaking up with me while you’re still in me?”

“I’m sorry was there cherry in that tart?”



  1. Lair
    Posted January 22, 2010 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    And I thought I was the only one.

  2. Posted January 22, 2010 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    oh god thats bad, dating , well i just don’t think about it any more, is that bad?

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