Notes from the front line 1

Patient X – I’m so pissed. I came home after the gay pride parade and my boyfriend, who was MIA for two days, was passed out in my bed, cracked out from a two day bender on crystal meth. When I woke him up he said he was out partying for two days at some orgy. I’m a good Catholic boy Dr. Spinelli. I can’t put up with this. I don’t want him near me. So I want you to check me for STD’s because today, when I woke up,  I felt some tingling down there.

Doctor S – Wait a minute. How long was he sober before this?

X – I don’t know. He lives in DC, but I had a feeling this was coming?

S – Why don’t you talk to him. You had your own crystal meth problem. Right?

X -But I’m sober ten years. I can’t be around this stuff.

S – But didn’t I just treat you for gonorrhea last month?

X – Yes.

S – So what’s all this I’m a good Catholic boy talk.

X – I’m not a pig like him. I have sex with guys but one at a time.

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Phone rings at noon on Sunday

Doctor S – Hello service

Service  – Can I connect you to this call?

S – This has to be good.

Service – The doctor is on the line. Go ahead.

Patient R – Hi doctor sorry to bother you but my stupid ass partner went out last night at some gay pride event at Roseland. He got home sometime this morning, slept a few hours and decided to head to the gym for a quick work out before the pier dance. I told him working out today is not going to make any difference but he didn’t listen. Well the stupid ass dropped a 45 pound weight on his foot. It’s all bloody now and he’s in pain.

S  – Well you’re going to have to take him to the ER.

R – Why?

S – Because it’s probably broken.

R – Oh (mumbles to himself, cups the phone and talks to his partner but I can still hear him) Doctor S says it might be broken and you should go to the ER…….No, you can’t go to the pier dance…..No, you get a cab and go to the ER yourself. My Gay Pride is not going to be ruined by your stupidity. I’m going to the pier dance. No, this is not like the time you went with me to my mother’s house.

I hang up.

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3 Comments

  1. Mich
    Posted July 12, 2010 at 2:03 am | Permalink

    i love new york!!!

  2. Posted July 12, 2010 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Poor you!

  3. FortWorthGuy
    Posted July 12, 2010 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

    There is definitely a book in these stories just waiting to come out. I see NPH playing you on the big screen…kind of a grown up Doogie!


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