Cream Pie

A patient called the office asking to speak to me personally. He said it was an emergency.

“Did he say what it was in reference to?” I asked.

“No,” said my assistant. “Just that he needed to speak to you ASAP.”

I was busy seeing patients. So often patients use the word “emergency” that I have grown to ignore it.

“Well, if he calls back,” I said. “Put him through.”

Later that evening I was on my way to class at the Apple Store. My service called me and said it was an “emergency”. I took the call.

“Hi, doc,” said a familiar voice. “I need to talk to you.”

“What’s the matter?”

“I’m having a problem with ejaculation.”

“Is this the emergency you’ve been calling about?”

“Yeah,” he said with the utmost seriousness. “I’m dating a new guy right now, and he really likes a nice cream pie in the face. If you know what I mean?”

“You mean he likes it when you ejaculate on his face?” I clarified.

“Yeah, except I have this problem. You see, I never really cum a lot, but I heard that there was a pill I could take to increase my load. I figured you could give me this pill so that I could really give my boy a nice cream pie, the kind that he likes.”

I looked around to see if there were any cameras on me. Then I listened for giggling, as if this was a prank. No cameras were visible and no giggling was heard. This was a real concern.

“Listen,” I continued. “I understand you want to satisfy your partner, but this is not an emergency. An emergency is: I’m having chest pain. I can’t breath or I cut off my penis. This is a little less urgent.”

“I’m sorry to bother you doc, it’s just that I wanted to get that pill so that I could really give him that cream pie he wants.”

“Okay, you really need to stop saying that,” I said. I am nearly at the Apple Store. “Why don’t you come into the office so we can talk? There are options but you should really reconsider this.”

“It’s just that his last boyfriend shot huge loads all over his face, and he loved it.”

“Okay, you see where this is going? Your new “boyfriend” really shouldn’t be telling you what his previous boyfriend used to do to him. That’s just rude.”

“I know. It made me feel bad, but I want to make him happy.”

“That’s nice but what about you? What about your feelings?” Suddenly, I felt like Mia Farrow’s character in Rose Mary’s Baby. ‘This is really happening. This isn’t  a dream.’

“He also said my penis was small and that I should consider having that operation to elongate it.”

I hung up the phone and walked into the Apple Store. What? I was late for class.


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